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hashtag

I saw a picture and i was swept into sea of Hashtags.
I saw another picture and i swallowed more Hashtags.
Waves of them following your single picture.
O I believe Hashtag serves a purpose.
I’m not against them, I even use them.
But if you abuse them into meaningless unspaced phrases
that supposed to explain what is captured in your picture,
than why show a picture at all.
Nothing left to imagine.

Yes a picture need a caption to express its context,
or one or two Hashtags to get connected in social media,
but why don’t you let the picture tells the story?
or maybe #you are #desperately #want #your #picture to #pop
in #each and #every #category or #trendingtopic #available
that #you don’t #realize that #you are #justputting #thenumbersign
or a #hash in #front of #every #single #words in your #caption.
or maybe i follow the wrong people in socmed.
But, seriously…too many Hashtags actually kill your picture.

#justbitchingabout
#apictureisworthathousandhashtags

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the awful the beautiful the cross-eyed the damned the eager the fun the gorgeous the horrible the irksome the jerk the king the lame the meek the noisy the ogre the poor the quirky the rich the slim the tall the unique the vulnerable the weirdo the x-rated the young the zealous they all has one. if i don’t then whose to blame?

you’ve got a problem with acne he ask
you mean i have acne problem?

hell yeah i do especially when i rise and shine with the moon.

got a problem with lips too… and teeth, tongue, pores.

also eyes, head, heart, nails, ankle, oh and you! maybe with you too.

just like the rest of the world or half the species of the earth.

always got a problem with something. or all things. or imaginathings.

blame in on luna. or maybe try to fit on her shoes.

fly to your metaphorical moon and look at your self.

maybe your trouble would seem so far away just like lennon said.

i say everything looks smoother from the bumpy surface of the moon.

but i don’t want to sit on your lap just yet luna… i need to see your face.

i’m waiting for your blue face. for i believe

something crazy is bound to happen once in a blue moon

|11.05.16/from acne to the moon
pic from: www.photoastronomique.net/geant/0505-0604_12full_moon.jpg

in this advanced world we live in

why do we always lack of something

when we have the world in the palm of our hand

why are we still searching

when everything has almost been exploited to our benefit

why still we don’t have enough

not enough money

not enough fun

not enough rest

not enough happiness

not enough time

 

 

 
somewhat-trivial and not-so-trivial high and low of two thousand and ten; not in chronological order
 

1. was the most uneventful year ever*

2. visited bali twice (thanks neng iren for joining me “bengong bareng di Bali”)

3. grew my hair (as usual, too lazy and and stingy to go to hairdresser), and sent my bang to retirement

4. visited dentist like…four times

5. visited new places: viet nam and mainland China! yey! what a trip! oh yeah went to Hong kong and Macau too at christmas, with family that time. am (still) such a lucky girl

6. became more and more unhappy and anxious. (the last time i remember being really happy was on february, when my sister visited) huum huumm

7. saw my sister twice. (and met her boyfriend once. at the airport)

8. went to Placebo concert (saw brian molko with my own eyes! cool!!)

9. came to hate my job. quit my job. got no job :D :D :D

10. didn’t pay my credit card (naughty naughty me)

11. the collection of my nail polish still didn’t grow beyond red and black

12. had bought almost all Haruki Murakami’s book

13. promised to stop buying book (how could i, when i’m an officer of Jakarta Book Club?)

14. had given up planning my future but couldn’t help keep worrying about future all the same

15. gave up my room at martimbang and moved to mel’s place (melani’s, not melrose Place ya)

16. 4 friends got married, 2 had babies and…fortunately, all the people i know grew older (iaialaaa……..)

as for me, as i grow older i feel i become more and more immature and selfish. “i should be better but i’m worse” (bird and the bee)

*actually so many events had happened during 2010, it’s just that…. the year seemed had flown by so fast without me really living it.

Is it not true: A move of the head, a step to the left or right, and we change from wise, decent loyal people to conceited fools?

Light changes, our eyes blink and see the world from the slightest difference of perspective

and our place in it has changes infinitely:

| Tinkers - Paul Harding

It is. though i don’t really like the book, but it is true.

somehow
i’ve always managed to get what i want
without really knowing what it was that i want

now
when i finally know what i want
somehow i can’t get it.

isn’t it frustrating
i, whom always been considered one with patience
am now can’t even sit her mind still for a second

frustrating

It’s just a tiny shred of happiness.
not the joy of life. far from it.

and i can’t call that sliver of happiness my own.
in a way it doesn’t even exist.

but still.
the existence of one chunk of ecstasy
in the middle of a dull life
is worth grasping don’t you think?

and now why should i have a hard time
letting go of that thing
that doesn’t even belong to me

last night i played question & answer with The Book of Answer  at Aksara Bookstore
and yes…
to my first question it gave a quite in-context answer, which was:
Seek for more options

and then i asked another question,
which answer to me must be the wiser the book has ever given:
Ask the Father.

ok i should’ve stopped there.
but no…
i pushed it further. i asked the same question in other way.
should i step further?
the answer was:
It would be inadvisable.

then like any stupid one would do, i asked for confirmation.
in other word, i put the same question into another sentence and shot it
should i do nothing and wait?
the page i opened said:
move on.


don’t ask if you’re not ready to hear the answer.

moreover do not consult someone/something you don’t even believe in.

ever.

I’ve lost  the charm that i never knew i had.
how did you loose it?
simply by knowing that i own it

in contrast to the belief that it’s an advantage to know what you have and to be able to utilize it, sometimes it is best not to recognize your potential.
there’s some kind magic lay on the ignorance.
oh this is crap, so anti-motivational and destructive you would think eh?

but it’s like when you see a good looking guy who very well aware that he’s cute and so talks, acts and walks the world like a good looking guys would, and then you’d get turned off and you don’t think he’s that attractive anymore.
get my point?
well….i just think that some things flourish better when it’s unattended.
some things are more beautiful with no much tending, caring, nurturing being involved.

dia tak ingat sejak kapan atau dari mana
yang dia tau ada yang menjajari langkahnya
atau tidak? hanya perasaannya?
ah tak taulah tak jelas katanya

dia juga tak ingat pernah membawanya pulang
tapi tau-tau ada yang bersamanya di dalam
kadang menemani kadang menghilang
ah biarlah pikirnya toh hatiku bukan rumahnya

tunggu dulu! lambat laun dia mulai jengkel
memang benar hatiku bukan rumahnya
akal sehatnya mengomporinya,
kau harus mengusirnya!
iya kau harus mengusirnya
sebelum dia mengencingi hatimu
dan menjadikannya teritorinya

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. prepared for the heatwave to struck the moment i stepped onto the landing field
  2. don’t care if it’s south west east of north. it’s just surabaya
  3. wherever i go there’s always a battalion of mosquito ready to dive-bomb me
  4. lia and herman and their stories and calvados and 369 and boncafe.
  5. the rising appetite for anything spicy!
  6. out of touch with reality but to be gripped by a harsher reality
  7. where all swallowed bitter pills seemed to somehow find its way back through acidic fluid up to the throat again
  8. agus and meme and the endless arguments and the night rides
  9. as soon as i get to this city, it gets on my nerve
  10. rawon, soto gubeng, pecel, nasi campur, pentol, pangsit mie
  11. nuts. nuts. those heavy incessant snores that topped a restless sleeps
  12. if there’s an emotional thermometer you’ll find my temperature always run a little too high here
  13. do you know the feeling of waking up to sounds of banged doors and shouts?
  14. yes. i spent 22 years in here. what about that?
  15. my failure entangled with theirs
  16. the picture is similar with the one in the proverbs, where it is said better to live on a corner of the roof
  17. and oh the uncles. couples of uncles who practically camped in my parent’s front room every day. o the agony of having to sweet talk them, to match their welcoming smile with my own fake smile, to go through all their questions and smoke before i find safety on the cooler confinement of my room
  18. my room which no longer mine.

december. two weeks before christmas. twenty seven and six month after i was born.

born in this city where i’ll always find the best food but never a peace of mind.

twenty two years in it. but when i walked on its riverbank of memory, strangely enough i could never find the root from which i was sprung

my feet

I didn’t jog this weekend.

But I walked.

In high heels.

 

In black devilish little pointy heel

Did I walk and walk and walk.

On wide rough concrete floor

On the slimy tiles of the supermarket

Out onto the muddy road.

 

The next day still I walked

and walked and walked.

Swinging my exhausted feet

wrapped in soggy rain-soaked suede pump.

Stamped on the filthy paved sidewalk

Clanking up to the steel surface of busway station

down to the vast sea of shiny marble.

 

And what did I gain

from tiring my feet to hell

couples of  blistered toes

peeled skin and heels?

 

But I do really wish I have the same spirit in life.

Swing my feet and take a plunge

and walk and walk and walk

and not just talk and talk and talk.

| from under the blanket, accompanied by chips, tea
  and blasting twisted christmas songs
why rush, with all the time in your hand?


haven’t you got a clue

of how time behaves


time does not stand still.

it just does not.

no matter how people swear it does sometimes.

time doesn’t lay quietly down in your hand

nor will it sit meekly at your feet wiggling its tail

it does not like to run with you side by side


o run it does! but with its own pace

and it will drag you along

many times, to the wrong direction

why chasing time, only to kill it when you feel you have to much of it?


chasing time killing time

is the curse put upon you

is a futile effort to tame time


when time is an untamable existence

which keeps you stumblingly running

desperately keeping up

before all the time you have

slip off through your finger

leaving you empty-handed

| not being faithful to the title, the song i actually was hearing while scribbling this was Stuck in a moment by U2

am an imitator titled a creative.

am a clown faking magic. am a doctor failing to heal.

am a comedian forgetting how to laugh.

am a daydreamer dreaming to be a dreamer.

am a mere stone painted gold.

am a fool pretending to be a prudent one.

| one indigo eve at a red office, behind my desk in front of a big cup of melting frosty

the black bird took my balloon away!
cried the little girl.
what color is your balloon?
asked the badger.
why? it’s red, mr.badger.
couldn’t you see it?

no my dear girl, i couldn’t.
not red, green, blue nor yellow i can see.
replied the badger bleakly.
oo…poor mr.badger,
when the world is so full of color.
well….

***

well well….here you are,
little girl in white.
what are you doing
standing alone among tall green grass
staring at the orange sunset?

o hi mr.badger,
am waiting for the black bird
maybe he would return my red balloon.
answered the sad little girl.

o why are you so blue dear child,
forget the red balloon already,
the badger softly said.
but i missed my red balloon, mr.badger.
it’s just a fleeting beauty, child
not worth your affection.

come…come…look at the sunset
as you said, the world is full of colors
colors that won’t fade.
the sun will surely retreat
but rise again it will!
with gleaming yellow rays
that turn everything into gold.

but why mr.badger!
you can see colors now, can’t you?
oo am happy for you mr.badger, how come?
grinned the little girl, to which the badger replied
let’s say that…
my black heart has already been turned into white
by a red liquid called love

| drafted sometimes in march 2009. started as a ym status.
the part about white dress, green grass, orange sunset,
black heart and red liquid are taken from a response poem from a friend,
with his permission of course.